If you’ve skimmed your social media feeds or the shelves of local bookstores, you may have noticed that there’s nothing more that a self-appointed life coach loves more than some good ol’ fashioned drivel.
Taken straight from the “Guide to Regurgitating Horseshit,” they pitch familiar lines like:
Bathe yourself in light
Love is the sharing of consciousness
Life will give you what you ask of it
You become what you think about most
The universe has your back
And…I swear on the Flying Spaghetti Monster that I’m not making this up…
Unblock your bowels, unblock your life
They might make for some cute & shareable (if not ludicrous) memes, but the Ruffed Grouse in my backyard could drum up some better spiritual guidance than these bombastic fools.
Because here’s the deal – life isn’t all unicorns farting rainbows of feel good advice.
Some days your furnace shits the bed.
Some days you bring your dog to the vet for a final goodbye.
Some days you still don’t know what you want to be when you grow up.
Some days you get a flat tire on the way to that job interview you’ve been hoping to land for the past three months.
And some days you wonder if hammering a nail through your toes would be less painful than sitting at this same desk day after goddamn day.
And when life unleashes a walloping elephant dump on your micron of the universe, the last thing you need is some New Age spiritual awakening.
You need guts.
You need fire.
You need a sense of hope that you’ll emerge from this Hamster Wheel of Hell that’s become your life.
And in those moments, you don’t need to bathe in light – you need to be the iguana.
What’s that you say?
If you’re looking for an inspiring story to light a Roman candle under your feet, today’s your lucky day. Because you’re about to meet the roughest, toughest, most persistent life coach you’ll ever need.
And it’s name is Amblyrhynchus cristatus – otherwise known as the marine iguana.
In the next two minutes, you’ll learn all you need to know about kicking life in the shorts.
The best part? This little wizard is only a hatchling.
Meaning that it’s barely gotten its literal OR proverbial feet under it & it’s already whooping ass like some kind of reptilian McGregor.
Who the fook is that guy?
In case you didn’t watch it on repeat ONE THOUSAND TIMES….
THAT little guy is the goddamn champ.
THAT little guy just showed every snake in the place how it’s done.
THAT little guy just looked life – and death – straight in the eye and said, “NOT TODAY, MOTHERFUCKERS. NOT TODAY!”
And THAT’s what you call inspiration.
Because THAT little guy isn’t prattling pigshit like every cookie cutter life coach out there.
Because THAT little guy is too busy conquering life the only way it can be done – by tackling obstacles one by one & maintaining momentum even when all hope seems lost.
What can we learn?
Instead of banking on the universe to offer up what you need, the one key lesson this pint-sized peanut can teach us about navigating life’s most harrowing challenges is that even when it feels like life has you in its unshakeable grip, you have to keep moving.
As Winston Churchill once famously noted, “when you’re going through hell, keep going.” And when the shit’s hitting the fan, it doesn’t matter how small a step you take – it only matters that you take one.
And another. And then another.
But when taking any step feels as overwhelming as sidestepping a band of raucous reptiles, keep things simple by employing the “90 to 100″ technique.
- Identify your hottest priority issues & choose the top 3.
- From those 3, choose one item as your first priority.
- To address this first priority, determine one small thing that you can do to make progress, however small that thing might be. Then ask yourself, “am I 90 to 100% sure that I can do this one thing?” If the answer is yes, then you’re in a good place to keep moving.
- If the answer is no, then keep scaling back until the answer is yes. To be clear, it doesn’t matter how small that step is – even if it seems “too small to matter” – do it anyway. Remember that it’s better to take some small action towards addressing your troubles than to pass the same amount of time taking no action at all.
- Once you’re comfortable with that pace, give yourself a week or two, then reassess. Can you expand your step just a bit more? Again, ask yourself if you are 90 to 100% certain that you can complete it, and if the answer is yes, then you’re in good shape.
- Repeat the process to increases progress & with each priority item.
Though it sounds simple, that’s the point! To think that we can conquer our troubles by standing still or running frantically with our hair on fire is impractical at best, and outright useless at best.
The only way to address the problems within our control is to identify what they are, develop & implement a strategy to confront them, and maintain our momentum over time.
The problem with pretentious spirit junkies is that they all spew the same nonsense. While some of their cutesy advice might hit you in the warm & fuzzies, they often provide ZERO practical solutions to real-life problems.
But if you want to know what it really takes to endure life’s toughest ass-whoopings, look no further than what’s happening outside your door.
And the next time life’s stalking you like a crew of slithering snakes sprinting out from underneath every rock in sight, forget about unblocking your bowels or embracing the universe.
Instead, embrace your inner iguana, look life straight in the eye & tell it, “NOT TODAY, MOTHERFUCKERS! NOT TODAY!”